did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
