I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
