I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
