I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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