Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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