Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
