Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
How's work?
Spinning.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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