she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
