I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
