I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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