the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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