Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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