Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my shit smells like andre
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
