I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
