i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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