That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dick very happy bro
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
