thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
