They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
