This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
