Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
