Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
