I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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