i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
