happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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