I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
