Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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