Define "chronic" masturbator.
I smell stomach acid.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
