the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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