Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
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