I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
