remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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