i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
