She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
