I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
