I wanna bring you to show and tell
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
