I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
