I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
