i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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