Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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