you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We had to coat check the pizza.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm šš»š
We are so blessed
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
Randomize
