You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
