That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
false alarm. still invincible.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i think im in europe. pls send help
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
