Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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