the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
