Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
