Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize