So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
