my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
