I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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