this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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