If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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