i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
