i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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