we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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