He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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