Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
