i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
