Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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