I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
