see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
