I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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