I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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