This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
